Oh My God, What Have I Done... Again
When I was still in college, we had a churchmate whose house literally fell to the ground… well, the flooring anyway, apparently due to a weak foundation. Planning to go back to a province I suppose she came from, her problem was she couldn’t bring all her cats at once. So until she could take all her cats to their new home, our boarding house, which was also the ministry center of our organization, kept the cats, since most of us adored them anyway.
Many people don’t know that cats are rather predatory creatures, more so than dogs even. So, when one day I saw one of the cats had one of the neighbor's chickens grasped by the mouth, I was little surprised. I called the attention of my housemates, hoping to take back the chicken. It would have been very difficult to explain to our neighbor, you see. Fortunately, the chicken was still alive, but the cat was unwilling to give it up that easily, so we ran after it and eventually cornered it behind something in the house where it was hiding. I’m not sure if we tried to scare or calm the cat, but we were trying to make the cat let go of the poor, defenseless chicken. We couldn’t just rip it out from the grasp of the cat’s fangs so as not to hurt the chicken even more. Eventually we saved the chicken, coming out of the situation alive with only a few scratches or something.
After that, my housemates were very amused by what happened, since I assume that they were unaware that cats were this predatory. They were laughing their hearts out at the cat’s expense, more so because after we rescued the chicken, the cat was just staring blankly in space, moving little. To them, it seemed dazed. One of my housemates said, “The cat must be wondering, "what in the world did I just do" .” With the hullabaloo it caused, and what seemed to them was an extremely unusual act by a cat, they figured the cat was pondering the graveness of what it did.
At times, I feel like that cat. At times, I feel like staring at space, dazed and a bit disoriented, wondering and asking either God or myself, “Oh my God, what have I done…” It would be easier if the question ended there. But it doesn’t. I ask, “Oh my God, what have I done… again.”
I’m guessing some of you have been in a similar situation. Wondering how you could have done it. Worse, how could you have done it… again. After you have done it again… and again… and again.
We can become so depressed with our weakness, and why not, it is to God we have sinned against.
Just because I write these words and articles I have posted here, I do not really profess to be much better than many people. I’ve fallen… and fallen… and fallen. Many times to the exact same sin. One example would be my anger. Though it is hardly displayed these days (thank God), there are times when my rage, bitterness or resentment gets the better of me, and my fruits start falling down. As a college teacher, I am glad that I have been seriously angry at my students during a class only twice for about five years of teaching. During these times, I felt it was necessary because I saw that they were becoming too lax with their discipline, just about all of them, and after giving them a serious confrontation of how much I disdain this laxness, I would go on with the class as if nothing happened. I never walked out. Unfortunately, it’s not always that good. What saddens me is that the people who see my anger the most are usually the ones that I love the most. And whenever I get angry, truth be told, it shames me. Not just internally, but because anger makes you do and say a lot of stupid things. And I’ve got a lot of those stupid things I regret in my life.
And that’s just one sin. I have a number of them, but I’m guessing you have your own list.
And when we fall to the exact same sin, we are bewildered with how we could have done such a thing. Again. After all the promises you’ve made. To people. To yourself. To God. After all the preachings you’ve heard. After all the books you’ve read. After all the meditations and contemplations you’ve had. Just like that. You did it again. And there’s no oops about it. You’ve even had the chance to say no. Several times. But all of those times you ignored it, and basically, premeditatedly still did it.
And now you are discouraged. At your weakness. At your unwiseness. At your seemingly hopelessness.
Unfortunately, for this article, I offer no solutions. No quick fixes at how we can avoid these recurring sins. Sure, we're familiar with many tips, and Bible passages, and suggestions, and for now I can add nothing to them. But I would like to mention, that there is hope.
We are so saddened by our actions because we focus so much on ourselves, our sin, and our situation. And in this process, we forget about God. How can we, when we have bottled God up as an unforgiving and extremely disappointed Being who frowns upon us for not fulfilling our promises for the nth time. But that’s not the God of the Bible. The Bible describes God as a merciful God, a God whose “mercies are new every morning, great is Your faithfulness.” (Lamentations 3:23) Although God does not tolerate sin, we must remember that our God loves us, He who did not spare His own Son just so we can be reconciled to Him, obviously spares nothing just so we can be with Him. For that is what He wants. Us to be with Him.
So although God is saddened or angered by our sin, we only need to confess and repent from our sin.
“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from our own unrighteousness.” (1John 1:9)
It’s sad that we can be so unfaithful to God. But that would be looking at your self. If you look to God, we find “although we are unfaithful, he will still be faithful.” (2 Timothy 2:13).
At times I say to myself, “Oh my God, what have I done… again.” But when I stop looking at myself and instead look at God, as I beseech his forgiveness as I once again try to be faithful to Him, I find His forgiveness, and His love, and that’s when I can say, “Oh my God, look at what You have done… again.”
-A. L. E.-
(Originally written: 2004, November 3, 12:32 a.m.)
Many people don’t know that cats are rather predatory creatures, more so than dogs even. So, when one day I saw one of the cats had one of the neighbor's chickens grasped by the mouth, I was little surprised. I called the attention of my housemates, hoping to take back the chicken. It would have been very difficult to explain to our neighbor, you see. Fortunately, the chicken was still alive, but the cat was unwilling to give it up that easily, so we ran after it and eventually cornered it behind something in the house where it was hiding. I’m not sure if we tried to scare or calm the cat, but we were trying to make the cat let go of the poor, defenseless chicken. We couldn’t just rip it out from the grasp of the cat’s fangs so as not to hurt the chicken even more. Eventually we saved the chicken, coming out of the situation alive with only a few scratches or something.
After that, my housemates were very amused by what happened, since I assume that they were unaware that cats were this predatory. They were laughing their hearts out at the cat’s expense, more so because after we rescued the chicken, the cat was just staring blankly in space, moving little. To them, it seemed dazed. One of my housemates said, “The cat must be wondering, "what in the world did I just do" .” With the hullabaloo it caused, and what seemed to them was an extremely unusual act by a cat, they figured the cat was pondering the graveness of what it did.
At times, I feel like that cat. At times, I feel like staring at space, dazed and a bit disoriented, wondering and asking either God or myself, “Oh my God, what have I done…” It would be easier if the question ended there. But it doesn’t. I ask, “Oh my God, what have I done… again.”
I’m guessing some of you have been in a similar situation. Wondering how you could have done it. Worse, how could you have done it… again. After you have done it again… and again… and again.
We can become so depressed with our weakness, and why not, it is to God we have sinned against.
Just because I write these words and articles I have posted here, I do not really profess to be much better than many people. I’ve fallen… and fallen… and fallen. Many times to the exact same sin. One example would be my anger. Though it is hardly displayed these days (thank God), there are times when my rage, bitterness or resentment gets the better of me, and my fruits start falling down. As a college teacher, I am glad that I have been seriously angry at my students during a class only twice for about five years of teaching. During these times, I felt it was necessary because I saw that they were becoming too lax with their discipline, just about all of them, and after giving them a serious confrontation of how much I disdain this laxness, I would go on with the class as if nothing happened. I never walked out. Unfortunately, it’s not always that good. What saddens me is that the people who see my anger the most are usually the ones that I love the most. And whenever I get angry, truth be told, it shames me. Not just internally, but because anger makes you do and say a lot of stupid things. And I’ve got a lot of those stupid things I regret in my life.
And that’s just one sin. I have a number of them, but I’m guessing you have your own list.
And when we fall to the exact same sin, we are bewildered with how we could have done such a thing. Again. After all the promises you’ve made. To people. To yourself. To God. After all the preachings you’ve heard. After all the books you’ve read. After all the meditations and contemplations you’ve had. Just like that. You did it again. And there’s no oops about it. You’ve even had the chance to say no. Several times. But all of those times you ignored it, and basically, premeditatedly still did it.
And now you are discouraged. At your weakness. At your unwiseness. At your seemingly hopelessness.
Unfortunately, for this article, I offer no solutions. No quick fixes at how we can avoid these recurring sins. Sure, we're familiar with many tips, and Bible passages, and suggestions, and for now I can add nothing to them. But I would like to mention, that there is hope.
We are so saddened by our actions because we focus so much on ourselves, our sin, and our situation. And in this process, we forget about God. How can we, when we have bottled God up as an unforgiving and extremely disappointed Being who frowns upon us for not fulfilling our promises for the nth time. But that’s not the God of the Bible. The Bible describes God as a merciful God, a God whose “mercies are new every morning, great is Your faithfulness.” (Lamentations 3:23) Although God does not tolerate sin, we must remember that our God loves us, He who did not spare His own Son just so we can be reconciled to Him, obviously spares nothing just so we can be with Him. For that is what He wants. Us to be with Him.
So although God is saddened or angered by our sin, we only need to confess and repent from our sin.
“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from our own unrighteousness.” (1John 1:9)
It’s sad that we can be so unfaithful to God. But that would be looking at your self. If you look to God, we find “although we are unfaithful, he will still be faithful.” (2 Timothy 2:13).
At times I say to myself, “Oh my God, what have I done… again.” But when I stop looking at myself and instead look at God, as I beseech his forgiveness as I once again try to be faithful to Him, I find His forgiveness, and His love, and that’s when I can say, “Oh my God, look at what You have done… again.”
-A. L. E.-
(Originally written: 2004, November 3, 12:32 a.m.)
