When Teachers Have Sexual Relations with Their Students
For some reason this seems to be a hot topic these days, and the punchline of many jokes. I guess because it’s a reality. Although just because it’s a hot topic, that is not the reason why I write about it.
You might infer from the title that I am against student-teacher relationships. That would be incorrect.
I am not against teachers being friends with their students. Actually, I consider that a good thing. If their friendship with their students means touching the lives of their students in a positive way, then I am very much for it.
In fact, let me go beyond my previous paragraph. I am not against teachers marrying former students. Of course, that would imply that there would be a period that the teacher and the student would have the relationship of a couple I prefer to call a future-marriage relationship. I see no problem with that. I am not beyond the concept that God would send your future marriage partner and introduce you to that person as your student (or your teacher). God may do that, especially with some people who do not prefer to go out of their way to seek future-marriage partners, which to me is a very good thing. I see absolutely nothing wrong with that. There is a condition however: that is, that the relationship be serious, meaning it is on the road to marriage (thus my term of preference), eventually, if not soon. There is another condition, one that this article focuses on: that the teacher not have physical (of a sexual nature) relations with the student.
The Bible says all sex outside marriage is a sin: Fornication is when none of the people are married, while adultery is when at least one of them is married (not to each other). Then again non-Christians would say leave the Bible out of it. So for this discussion, I will try to show that teachers having sexual relations with their students is wrong even in a secular point of view.
Some of you may say that teachers having sexual relations with their students is obviously wrong. But believe it or not, some don’t have that point of view (especially teachers, [or students] you might say). As a teacher myself, I know. I have heard various justifications, especially by those guilty, some of which I will relay here. And I am not even talking about those that ask for sex for something in return, no, that is obviously wrong. And I am neither considering the age of the student, we might as well consider that the student is already of legal age in this discussion as sex with those of below legal age would be wrong for many other reasons, and since I teach college, and of course my peers would be college teachers, we often deal with students of legal age. What I can focus on now are those that say they have a “couples”-type relationship and can use that to justify their sexual relations with their students.
It is not unusual for a student to be attracted to a teacher. Apart from their looks (if any), a teacher gets to display his or her intelligence, skill and personality in an authoritative and supposedly exclusive but privileged role, and to impressionable students, who probably may have not met too many admirable people yet (because of their youth), nor may have not yet realized their self-worth, the impressive teacher becomes one of the most admired people in that student’s life. Actually, the teacher doesn’t even have to be all that impressive, for all that student knows, that teacher could be feeding them garbage, but still, once the student is swayed of that teacher’s “impressiveness”, then that student can convince himself or herself.
Even beyond that, let me speak bluntly: it is not an unusual fantasy for some students to have sex with a teacher.
An interesting question though is would that same student be interested in that same teacher if the student had met that teacher someplace else first and never had that teacher as a teacher.
Thus, as the question poses, it is the teacher’s position that immensely adds as an important factor of the student’s fantasy. But what is that position? That position was only given to that teacher, I should say, entrusted to that teacher. The teacher is entrusted to take care of that student, rather than using that student to please himself or herself. Which is why I consider sex between a teacher and a student as an abuse of authority, abuse of opportunity, and neglect of responsibility. And teachers do abuse their authority, take unfair advantage of an opportunity and neglect their responsibility when they give in to their own fantasy of having sexual relations with a student.
A non-teacher friend asked me if I have ever dated a student. She thought it was exciting. And to be honest, that mindset may not be all that unusual. Maybe it won’t be a fantasy about a serious relationship, just sex, or something in between, and just becomes serious along the way, but the point is the thought of a teacher-student relationship excites some of us, or at the very least, we find it interesting.
There is a thrill on both parties. But as the one who is supposed to be more mature, if the teacher was truly caring and not selfish, the teacher would not take advantage of the student, no matter how many advances the student makes. One would think that the teacher who gave in to the advances of the first student, probably didn’t get much attention before that. But whether homely or handsome, the disciplined, truly caring and unselfish teacher would consider the welfare of the student first, how would this affect the student, and therefore sacrifice any physical and nonphysical gratification the teacher could get from the student. Yes, even if the student wants it. The student wants it now, because the student is immature, but the teacher, who should be mature (because of the position) should consider the future and what is better for the student and make the hard but right choices for the future and ultimate benefit of the student.
If both student and teacher were serious about having a future-marriage relationship with each other, then they can wait until they get married (or, for the non-Christian point of view, until the student graduates) before they pursue a more physical relationship. As I said, they could have a deep relationship, one on an emotional or spiritual level, even before they get married, but to paraphrase something I believe I read from a Joshua Harris book, the best date is one that touches nothing but your heart.
In the first paragraph, I mention that I do not write about this now because it is a hot topic but rather because I know firsthand of so many stories. And I can safely relay them now because since I have taught at so many colleges (sometimes three or four at the same time), there is no real risk of revealing who the people I’m talking about exactly are. Those who would recognize them probably know of the story already.
A coteacher once asked me if love potions were true (the Filipino term is “gayuma”). As a Christian and as a man of science, I said no, there is no such thing. He then told of this student he didn’t use to pay much attention to. In a party he attended, this student spent some time chatting with my coteacher, and ultimately this is what started their fling. This may not have been such a big problem, my coteacher was certainly young enough, but the problem was he was married and already had a child. His relationship with his wife then was on the rocks, which may be one more factor why he had this fling. He was no stud or hunk, but I’ve heard some female students give compliments about his appearance. I was not aware of ever really seeing this student, but many times, appearances don’t really matter. Eventually his wife found out about the fling, and although I expect there were difficulties, my coteacher told me they patched things up, and that he spoke seriously with the student about having to break off the relationship. He also said that the fling did not really involve sex, they never did it, he told me.
The point I want to make with that example is sometimes we like to give or look for excuses for what we do, especially when we are aware that it is wrong. I saw his love potion question as an attempt to understand his situation, however there was nothing mystical about it. There is no excusing it. It could not have been love, for love “is not self-seeking… does not delight in evil... always protects…” (1 Corinthians 13:5-7).
Another coteacher of mine did not make it a secret to us, his circle of male colleagues, that his “syota” was one of our students. (Syota is a slang Filipino term that some Filipinos equate with girlfriend [or boyfriend], but others use it as a term for a fling or nonserious, short-time relationship.) The girl was certainly not unattractive, but I can certainly say the guy was, not to insult the guy (You may refer to my other article: Is it Important to Look Good?). The student usually hung around with other girls of questionable character, and she wasn’t a blind follower of her peers either. To say it bluntly, she liked having men (whatever that means, I leave up to you). In fact, before this coteacher I speak of was hired, she has flirted with me at least once. I, however, did not give in, even so she was, as I said, not unattractive, to say the least. My coteacher was not secretive about his sexual encounters with this student, as I recall he would tell it to us with some gusto, and this was not untrue as he has spoken to this student about this right in front me. It would be difficult for me to say what his intentions are (and I have since left that school so I don’t know what happened to them), although from the way he spoke about it, I don’t think he was really serious about the girl (as there was a time I was asking to get one of his classes, so I would have all the sections of this subject, but he wouldn’t give it to me for a cryptic reason that he gave, which I would later decrypt as him having a student who was very attractive in that class, and eventually he would also hit on her during the schools various events, one time even while he was drunk), although I can also say that I doubt the girl was also serious about him, and she was just using him also for other things, not just sex. Even so, whether they were both serious or not serious, this certainly was not helping the student, indulging her in such a lifestyle, which may have terrible repercussions in the future. And these possible repercussions are ignored for personal gratification of the teacher. I was able to avoid her, why couldn’t he. He could have… if he wanted to. Yes, there are teachers who are after their students, parents beware.
Another time, when I was chatting with one of my coteachers while we were eating out, we talked about how some of our students were being so apathetic about their studies. She said, in the University where she used to teach, students needed the degree so bad, they put in much sacrifice even though they were sorely lacking in finances, to the point that they could not even eat, sometimes not a decent meal, sometimes no meal at all. She relayed this story about a female student, who was intelligent but suffering so much from financial problems. Eventually, a teacher helped her out with her finances, which is certainly a noble act. However, this sparked a love affair between the two which was relayed to me in a not so positive light. I said to her, I was glad none of us in our College had a relationship with a student. I was wrong. Her former housemate, one of our coteachers, would have a student as a frequent visitor, if not at their very small kitchen / dining room, her personal bedroom, and sometimes, especially at night, she would still sneak him in. It was possible that they were not boyfriend and girlfriend, as they would claim later, but what does a couple do inside a room for an extended amount of time? Each time I ask that question, people would respond various Filipino games, some of which I am not even familiar with (example, “ano ginagawa nila dun? Nagpipitik-bulag?”). If the only proof was her former housemate’s testimony, I would have given her the benefit of the doubt, but I knew many things about her myself, which is why I did not specifically spend time with her anymore, and also her new housemate confirmed that the two practically lived in the same room (She was not hesitant to admit it at the time as we were close at the time, which is also why myself and the teacher I did not specifically want to spend time with anymore still spent time together as the new housemate would still always bring her… of course, I treated her nicely as it would not be right to mistreat her no matter how great the sin). The most appalling thing about this is that they had the audacity to deny it and accuse us of various allegations and went about hassling so many people to protect only themselves; two people.
One remark about that last story was that some people thought of it as less of an issue because the teacher was female and it was the student that was male. I said if the teacher had been male and the student female, people would be up in arms. I thought of it as gender bias. And what fueled this mentality was the concept that it was more acceptable because it is normally the male which makes the moves on the female, therefore the female teacher only responded to the male who had the intentions first. Which is why I am explaining that it doesn’t matter who had the intentions and made the moves first, it is still the teacher’s responsibility to do the right thing for the student. And to claim that males always make the first move would be invalid. I know that by experience. Not to say I’m an attractive guy, no, that is why I explained beforehand that it’s not necessarily the physical features that attract a student to a teacher. So yes, I’ve had my handful, sometimes more than my handful of student “admirers” (excuse the term, as I can’t find a better word). Had somebody told me in the distant past that there would come a time that my cellphone would be ringing so often because of girls contacting me that I would choose to ignore the calls and let it ring, I would have surprisingly asked, “You mean someday… I’d have my own cellphone?”
To be even more serious, I’ve had students closer to me than others (albeit they get treated in class the same as everybody else), but even though a few have shown motive, I do not give in! I have even refused the advances of a former female student who was right there in bed in a room; I sent her away (and she was a bit sad as she left, may I add). And she definitely was attractive, as I have seen guys approach her just to introduce themselves in the hopes of getting her name. And she was a nice, decent girl actually, (seriously, she was not the flirt), and she has expressed her interests in more ways than one. I know to some, what I did was nuts, but responsible people would know what I did was the right thing. For some, I wasted an opportunity, for me, it was an opportunity to do the right thing.
I’ve been teaching for some years now. I taught right after I graduated, which made me rather young. But I was able to avoid advances of several good looking, nice females, especially students of mine; some never even became students in my class. But I was able to resist temptation and eventually do the right thing for the good of the student. I do not want to arrogantly say I will never fall. But if I ever do have future-marriage relations with a student, it would be serious, and I would not keep it a secret. And I am a guy, and am a full-blooded heterosexual (that means I’m straight). But if I could avoid having sexual relations with students, I see no excuse for others. I am no great person. But I do have a great God.
- A. L. E. -
(Originally written: 2006, June 17, 8:38 pm)
You might infer from the title that I am against student-teacher relationships. That would be incorrect.
I am not against teachers being friends with their students. Actually, I consider that a good thing. If their friendship with their students means touching the lives of their students in a positive way, then I am very much for it.
In fact, let me go beyond my previous paragraph. I am not against teachers marrying former students. Of course, that would imply that there would be a period that the teacher and the student would have the relationship of a couple I prefer to call a future-marriage relationship. I see no problem with that. I am not beyond the concept that God would send your future marriage partner and introduce you to that person as your student (or your teacher). God may do that, especially with some people who do not prefer to go out of their way to seek future-marriage partners, which to me is a very good thing. I see absolutely nothing wrong with that. There is a condition however: that is, that the relationship be serious, meaning it is on the road to marriage (thus my term of preference), eventually, if not soon. There is another condition, one that this article focuses on: that the teacher not have physical (of a sexual nature) relations with the student.
The Bible says all sex outside marriage is a sin: Fornication is when none of the people are married, while adultery is when at least one of them is married (not to each other). Then again non-Christians would say leave the Bible out of it. So for this discussion, I will try to show that teachers having sexual relations with their students is wrong even in a secular point of view.
Some of you may say that teachers having sexual relations with their students is obviously wrong. But believe it or not, some don’t have that point of view (especially teachers, [or students] you might say). As a teacher myself, I know. I have heard various justifications, especially by those guilty, some of which I will relay here. And I am not even talking about those that ask for sex for something in return, no, that is obviously wrong. And I am neither considering the age of the student, we might as well consider that the student is already of legal age in this discussion as sex with those of below legal age would be wrong for many other reasons, and since I teach college, and of course my peers would be college teachers, we often deal with students of legal age. What I can focus on now are those that say they have a “couples”-type relationship and can use that to justify their sexual relations with their students.
It is not unusual for a student to be attracted to a teacher. Apart from their looks (if any), a teacher gets to display his or her intelligence, skill and personality in an authoritative and supposedly exclusive but privileged role, and to impressionable students, who probably may have not met too many admirable people yet (because of their youth), nor may have not yet realized their self-worth, the impressive teacher becomes one of the most admired people in that student’s life. Actually, the teacher doesn’t even have to be all that impressive, for all that student knows, that teacher could be feeding them garbage, but still, once the student is swayed of that teacher’s “impressiveness”, then that student can convince himself or herself.
Even beyond that, let me speak bluntly: it is not an unusual fantasy for some students to have sex with a teacher.
An interesting question though is would that same student be interested in that same teacher if the student had met that teacher someplace else first and never had that teacher as a teacher.
Thus, as the question poses, it is the teacher’s position that immensely adds as an important factor of the student’s fantasy. But what is that position? That position was only given to that teacher, I should say, entrusted to that teacher. The teacher is entrusted to take care of that student, rather than using that student to please himself or herself. Which is why I consider sex between a teacher and a student as an abuse of authority, abuse of opportunity, and neglect of responsibility. And teachers do abuse their authority, take unfair advantage of an opportunity and neglect their responsibility when they give in to their own fantasy of having sexual relations with a student.
A non-teacher friend asked me if I have ever dated a student. She thought it was exciting. And to be honest, that mindset may not be all that unusual. Maybe it won’t be a fantasy about a serious relationship, just sex, or something in between, and just becomes serious along the way, but the point is the thought of a teacher-student relationship excites some of us, or at the very least, we find it interesting.
There is a thrill on both parties. But as the one who is supposed to be more mature, if the teacher was truly caring and not selfish, the teacher would not take advantage of the student, no matter how many advances the student makes. One would think that the teacher who gave in to the advances of the first student, probably didn’t get much attention before that. But whether homely or handsome, the disciplined, truly caring and unselfish teacher would consider the welfare of the student first, how would this affect the student, and therefore sacrifice any physical and nonphysical gratification the teacher could get from the student. Yes, even if the student wants it. The student wants it now, because the student is immature, but the teacher, who should be mature (because of the position) should consider the future and what is better for the student and make the hard but right choices for the future and ultimate benefit of the student.
If both student and teacher were serious about having a future-marriage relationship with each other, then they can wait until they get married (or, for the non-Christian point of view, until the student graduates) before they pursue a more physical relationship. As I said, they could have a deep relationship, one on an emotional or spiritual level, even before they get married, but to paraphrase something I believe I read from a Joshua Harris book, the best date is one that touches nothing but your heart.
In the first paragraph, I mention that I do not write about this now because it is a hot topic but rather because I know firsthand of so many stories. And I can safely relay them now because since I have taught at so many colleges (sometimes three or four at the same time), there is no real risk of revealing who the people I’m talking about exactly are. Those who would recognize them probably know of the story already.
A coteacher once asked me if love potions were true (the Filipino term is “gayuma”). As a Christian and as a man of science, I said no, there is no such thing. He then told of this student he didn’t use to pay much attention to. In a party he attended, this student spent some time chatting with my coteacher, and ultimately this is what started their fling. This may not have been such a big problem, my coteacher was certainly young enough, but the problem was he was married and already had a child. His relationship with his wife then was on the rocks, which may be one more factor why he had this fling. He was no stud or hunk, but I’ve heard some female students give compliments about his appearance. I was not aware of ever really seeing this student, but many times, appearances don’t really matter. Eventually his wife found out about the fling, and although I expect there were difficulties, my coteacher told me they patched things up, and that he spoke seriously with the student about having to break off the relationship. He also said that the fling did not really involve sex, they never did it, he told me.
The point I want to make with that example is sometimes we like to give or look for excuses for what we do, especially when we are aware that it is wrong. I saw his love potion question as an attempt to understand his situation, however there was nothing mystical about it. There is no excusing it. It could not have been love, for love “is not self-seeking… does not delight in evil... always protects…” (1 Corinthians 13:5-7).
Another coteacher of mine did not make it a secret to us, his circle of male colleagues, that his “syota” was one of our students. (Syota is a slang Filipino term that some Filipinos equate with girlfriend [or boyfriend], but others use it as a term for a fling or nonserious, short-time relationship.) The girl was certainly not unattractive, but I can certainly say the guy was, not to insult the guy (You may refer to my other article: Is it Important to Look Good?). The student usually hung around with other girls of questionable character, and she wasn’t a blind follower of her peers either. To say it bluntly, she liked having men (whatever that means, I leave up to you). In fact, before this coteacher I speak of was hired, she has flirted with me at least once. I, however, did not give in, even so she was, as I said, not unattractive, to say the least. My coteacher was not secretive about his sexual encounters with this student, as I recall he would tell it to us with some gusto, and this was not untrue as he has spoken to this student about this right in front me. It would be difficult for me to say what his intentions are (and I have since left that school so I don’t know what happened to them), although from the way he spoke about it, I don’t think he was really serious about the girl (as there was a time I was asking to get one of his classes, so I would have all the sections of this subject, but he wouldn’t give it to me for a cryptic reason that he gave, which I would later decrypt as him having a student who was very attractive in that class, and eventually he would also hit on her during the schools various events, one time even while he was drunk), although I can also say that I doubt the girl was also serious about him, and she was just using him also for other things, not just sex. Even so, whether they were both serious or not serious, this certainly was not helping the student, indulging her in such a lifestyle, which may have terrible repercussions in the future. And these possible repercussions are ignored for personal gratification of the teacher. I was able to avoid her, why couldn’t he. He could have… if he wanted to. Yes, there are teachers who are after their students, parents beware.
Another time, when I was chatting with one of my coteachers while we were eating out, we talked about how some of our students were being so apathetic about their studies. She said, in the University where she used to teach, students needed the degree so bad, they put in much sacrifice even though they were sorely lacking in finances, to the point that they could not even eat, sometimes not a decent meal, sometimes no meal at all. She relayed this story about a female student, who was intelligent but suffering so much from financial problems. Eventually, a teacher helped her out with her finances, which is certainly a noble act. However, this sparked a love affair between the two which was relayed to me in a not so positive light. I said to her, I was glad none of us in our College had a relationship with a student. I was wrong. Her former housemate, one of our coteachers, would have a student as a frequent visitor, if not at their very small kitchen / dining room, her personal bedroom, and sometimes, especially at night, she would still sneak him in. It was possible that they were not boyfriend and girlfriend, as they would claim later, but what does a couple do inside a room for an extended amount of time? Each time I ask that question, people would respond various Filipino games, some of which I am not even familiar with (example, “ano ginagawa nila dun? Nagpipitik-bulag?”). If the only proof was her former housemate’s testimony, I would have given her the benefit of the doubt, but I knew many things about her myself, which is why I did not specifically spend time with her anymore, and also her new housemate confirmed that the two practically lived in the same room (She was not hesitant to admit it at the time as we were close at the time, which is also why myself and the teacher I did not specifically want to spend time with anymore still spent time together as the new housemate would still always bring her… of course, I treated her nicely as it would not be right to mistreat her no matter how great the sin). The most appalling thing about this is that they had the audacity to deny it and accuse us of various allegations and went about hassling so many people to protect only themselves; two people.
One remark about that last story was that some people thought of it as less of an issue because the teacher was female and it was the student that was male. I said if the teacher had been male and the student female, people would be up in arms. I thought of it as gender bias. And what fueled this mentality was the concept that it was more acceptable because it is normally the male which makes the moves on the female, therefore the female teacher only responded to the male who had the intentions first. Which is why I am explaining that it doesn’t matter who had the intentions and made the moves first, it is still the teacher’s responsibility to do the right thing for the student. And to claim that males always make the first move would be invalid. I know that by experience. Not to say I’m an attractive guy, no, that is why I explained beforehand that it’s not necessarily the physical features that attract a student to a teacher. So yes, I’ve had my handful, sometimes more than my handful of student “admirers” (excuse the term, as I can’t find a better word). Had somebody told me in the distant past that there would come a time that my cellphone would be ringing so often because of girls contacting me that I would choose to ignore the calls and let it ring, I would have surprisingly asked, “You mean someday… I’d have my own cellphone?”
To be even more serious, I’ve had students closer to me than others (albeit they get treated in class the same as everybody else), but even though a few have shown motive, I do not give in! I have even refused the advances of a former female student who was right there in bed in a room; I sent her away (and she was a bit sad as she left, may I add). And she definitely was attractive, as I have seen guys approach her just to introduce themselves in the hopes of getting her name. And she was a nice, decent girl actually, (seriously, she was not the flirt), and she has expressed her interests in more ways than one. I know to some, what I did was nuts, but responsible people would know what I did was the right thing. For some, I wasted an opportunity, for me, it was an opportunity to do the right thing.
I’ve been teaching for some years now. I taught right after I graduated, which made me rather young. But I was able to avoid advances of several good looking, nice females, especially students of mine; some never even became students in my class. But I was able to resist temptation and eventually do the right thing for the good of the student. I do not want to arrogantly say I will never fall. But if I ever do have future-marriage relations with a student, it would be serious, and I would not keep it a secret. And I am a guy, and am a full-blooded heterosexual (that means I’m straight). But if I could avoid having sexual relations with students, I see no excuse for others. I am no great person. But I do have a great God.
- A. L. E. -
(Originally written: 2006, June 17, 8:38 pm)
